就想着。

And here we are, again, Mayday.

2001 was when I saw them live for the first time. Then in 2005. 2010年4月17日是第三次。第三次的与你们的音乐疯狂， 第三次的被感动。

It’s been a long nine years since the first concert, but every time I see them live, I’m transported to that evening, when we were young, suitably angsty but optimistic too, jaded but expectant. Their songs resonated too well, and the words rang deep and true. Of justification of our disobedience, of our impatience for the world to change so we could finally become relevant (and important); of the yearning to be free, liberated from what seemed to us old and tired expectations, significant only in times long beneath us; and of hope, for life, for love, and for the rest of us to begin. 2001.

I think we lost each other in the years after. 跟我姐说过，不再那么喜欢并不是因为五月天的音乐变了，或是太大众化了，也不是因为厌倦了他们的理想； 不是因为觉得竟憨人已不是米虫，那还有怨可唱吗？ 在2001，我们的世界交叉; 听到的和脑中的对了频率，找到共鸣。在五月天的音乐里，找到了同伴，明白了，领悟了希望的重要。

然后，他们就暂别了，去当兵，去进修; 而我也毕业了，出国，上大学。就在那时，我们分别地成长了。2005，我回国。为了演唱会，没去朋友的婚礼。那年的也好棒，就好像回到19岁的自己。但是，就有觉得那一年只不过为了回顾四年前的疯狂。有感动，但也不知是否只在怀念，回念当初的感慨。

2006过后，就没有把五月天的音乐放在心上。还是喜欢，但只是对过去的理想交代。走散了。

-

今年是2010年。4月17日，第三次。 感觉好像又交叉了，我们。

Why is it that every time I finish a book after a looooong period of not reading, I realise that reading is a most satisfying activity and regret that I’ve wasted the last few months not reading?

And it’s been nearly two months. Clap clap pat pat, and I once again feel like writing, so I shall. This shall suppress the wanderlust that I can’t yet afford, and here is where I shall starting counting down to the day when I can. It’s been a while, and things have changed, people have gone, moved on, and we’re now beginning again new ambitions and naive optimism. How things have not changed.

Along, along. Having met four deadlines last month, April so far has been pretty slack for me. I sit around watching a-season-old Japanese dramas, play too much Words with Friends, and wonder if silly people get all the luck. Of course, I hope I’m wrong and that hard work comes into play here, but malice sits very well with me when people knock into me and step on my shoes.

Have not read anything this year, which is pretty disappointing. I have at least a dozen books on my backlog, and half-hearted bookmarks in perhaps four of them; yesterday, the mind drew a blank when attempting to remember the last book I read (looking at the book list, it could very well be The Book Thief, which was done four months ago in Japan).

So as always, as each day continues to renew itself, the future looms and adds days to a life which has not yet decided its eventual direction. I hope what may happen happens, and what exists currently in the realm of impossible decides to switch camps. Because if silly people do get the luck, the very least optimistic fools should get is hope (and yes, that would be a vicious cycle).

There are ramblers, and there are grumblers; and if there should be a Venn diagram, I should fit right in in the overlapping area. This is, indeed, assuming that the two circles are not mutually exclusive, and that in this world, there exist people who sometimes ramble and at other times grumble, and therefore are absolved of the core responsibilities that come with each respective group.

In grumbles, all the airconditioning in my world has been rather unsatisfactory.

In rambles, do do do re re re mi mi mi.

If you’re scared and it shows
Because you’re watching them grow
And travelling blows when you’re out of road
And when you jump up, the earth wants you back

Your resentment grows until you’re all alone
But you’re so smart, how could they not know?
When you’re standing there in good-humoured white

How do you do it and make it seem effortless?
When it’s all the stupid things, so overwhelming to me
Like paying my bills, or showing up for work early
Or laughing at your jokes

And when you first said that anything goes
Or a problem’s a task disguised in work clothes
That’s when I knew that I had to move

And why do you do it and make it seem delicate?
When it’s all the stupid things, so damn confusing to me
Like talking it through, controlling my temper
Like letting it go, saying, “Please, forgive me
For laughing at your jokes”

I have no idea what’s going on lately
And I just wish you would come over and explain things
And I have on idea what’s going on lately
And I just wish you would come over and explain things
And I have no idea what’s been going on lately
And I just wish you would come over and explain things

And why do they do it? They show up anyway
When they know that damn well
There’s no room for promotions out here
And maybe it’s wise
And maybe I’m just stupid
For laughing at your jokes

Plane Crash in C, Rilo Kiley

It strikes, and then it lingers.

Okay, decisions ripe for the plucking.

Or anything similar to the effect. Yesterday, I decided that I would give up something, in order to focus on another. Today, the mind remains still, and this time, I really hope it would stick.

For the time being, let’s state the obvious. Today is the first day of February. Next week brings Chinese New Year. The week after next will nearly welcome March. In March, we will sit down with a clear head and mail some photos, cross our fingers and hope for the best.

故事的开始走失了方向。角色突变，场景变了季节，
导演换了理想，
改了理所当然。

打了灯，却停了电。
天气放晴，却
敌不了已 退色的夜。

故事的开始走失了方向，
但结局依然，
虽明白了无奈，
却一直在闭了眼的想像，等着。

You tell me. A week into work, and everything is somewhat back to normal. I get used to having lunch at appropriate times, and to the necessity of wakefulness in the afternoons. I no longer can venture out during the day to sit at cafes or stand on sidewalks watching the sky dump snow on defenseless mailboxes. Sometimes, this feels right; sometimes, my mind feels like it’s still lingering someplace else. I think of the aisles in the Tokyu supermarket and tomatoes, of oden and cheap delicious ice cream, and of the perfect weather that happens only on vacations, and of songs that had played as buses rumbled along, through little towns and across highways built amidst the mountains and over half-frozen rivers.

Now that Japan is over and life is back to decent normalcy, I guess I shall return to writing here. Have been staring at the computer screen for a good part of the hour, and calibrating this sorry excuse for a monitor for godknowhowmanymillion times. I don’t really know how grey looks like anymore; sometimes it looks like this, sometimes this looks like red; sometimes, blue.

Christmas is over. New Year is over. A brand new year ripe for the abusing. I can’t believe Irina won Project Runway season 6. What a tired bland season. Despite being back for a week, this country still feels a little unreal to me. I go out in the afternoons, and don’t curse the sun as often as I used to. I think sumimasen instead of excuse me, and dream of good, easily available tonkatsu.

Last week, Ms. J and I discussed new year resolutions over our rather usual dinner of 五香. We both made vague but admirable ones. Resolutions are easier the more precise they get, and therefore, you should praise our gallantry and cross your kind fingers for us. Let’s try to make this year work a little harder, stay a little more focused, a little more ambitious, and a tad more merrier. Merry New Year!

(I just remembered that I made Christmas resolutions last year! I am quite happy to announce that I fulfilled every one except the first. The first shall roll over to this year then. And well, it seems that vagueness worked then, too.)

Don’t ask, but I’m not supposed to be in here writing, but somehow, I don’t really feel like doing anything much tonight. Itinerary? Bah. Reading? Bah. Thinking? Bah. Sleeping? In a bit. Started thinking about the trip and wondering how I would come back. I know it is clichéd to look at the trip this way, but it’s a little stupid to deny that I planned for this trip without having ever harboured any of those thoughts. Would I come back wiser, enlightened about matters that I can’t currently debate my way through, or will I return, (more) cynical and exasperated, and find myself in the same place, wondering about the exact same questions that sent me away in the first place? No point thinking about that now, but somehow the brain has been wired to disobey. Let’s take a leave of absence from thought.

Somehow, this makes me feel somewhat better. One of my favourites from Mayday – 候鳥.

Anyway, Japan. Hopefully, I will be posting regular updates here. Hopefully, hopefully.