If you’re scared and it shows
Because you’re watching them grow
And travelling blows when you’re out of road
And when you jump up, the earth wants you back

Your resentment grows until you’re all alone
But you’re so smart, how could they not know?
When you’re standing there in good-humoured white

How do you do it and make it seem effortless?
When it’s all the stupid things, so overwhelming to me
Like paying my bills, or showing up for work early
Or laughing at your jokes

And when you first said that anything goes
Or a problem’s a task disguised in work clothes
That’s when I knew that I had to move

And why do you do it and make it seem delicate?
When it’s all the stupid things, so damn confusing to me
Like talking it through, controlling my temper
Like letting it go, saying, “Please, forgive me
For laughing at your jokes”

I have no idea what’s going on lately
And I just wish you would come over and explain things
And I have on idea what’s going on lately
And I just wish you would come over and explain things
And I have no idea what’s been going on lately
And I just wish you would come over and explain things

And why do they do it? They show up anyway
When they know that damn well
There’s no room for promotions out here
And maybe it’s wise
And maybe I’m just stupid
For laughing at your jokes

Plane Crash in C, Rilo Kiley

It strikes, and then it lingers.

Okay, decisions ripe for the plucking.

Or anything similar to the effect. Yesterday, I decided that I would give up something, in order to focus on another. Today, the mind remains still, and this time, I really hope it would stick.

For the time being, let’s state the obvious. Today is the first day of February. Next week brings Chinese New Year. The week after next will nearly welcome March. In March, we will sit down with a clear head and mail some photos, cross our fingers and hope for the best.

故事的开始走失了方向。角色突变，场景变了季节，
导演换了理想，
改了理所当然。

打了灯，却停了电。
天气放晴，却
敌不了已 退色的夜。

故事的开始走失了方向，
但结局依然，
虽明白了无奈，
却一直在闭了眼的想像，等着。

You tell me. A week into work, and everything is somewhat back to normal. I get used to having lunch at appropriate times, and to the necessity of wakefulness in the afternoons. I no longer can venture out during the day to sit at cafes or stand on sidewalks watching the sky dump snow on defenseless mailboxes. Sometimes, this feels right; sometimes, my mind feels like it’s still lingering someplace else. I think of the aisles in the Tokyu supermarket and tomatoes, of oden and cheap delicious ice cream, and of the perfect weather that happens only on vacations, and of songs that had played as buses rumbled along, through little towns and across highways built amidst the mountains and over half-frozen rivers.

Now that Japan is over and life is back to decent normalcy, I guess I shall return to writing here. Have been staring at the computer screen for a good part of the hour, and calibrating this sorry excuse for a monitor for godknowhowmanymillion times. I don’t really know how grey looks like anymore; sometimes it looks like this, sometimes this looks like red; sometimes, blue.

Christmas is over. New Year is over. A brand new year ripe for the abusing. I can’t believe Irina won Project Runway season 6. What a tired bland season. Despite being back for a week, this country still feels a little unreal to me. I go out in the afternoons, and don’t curse the sun as often as I used to. I think sumimasen instead of excuse me, and dream of good, easily available tonkatsu.

Last week, Ms. J and I discussed new year resolutions over our rather usual dinner of 五香. We both made vague but admirable ones. Resolutions are easier the more precise they get, and therefore, you should praise our gallantry and cross your kind fingers for us. Let’s try to make this year work a little harder, stay a little more focused, a little more ambitious, and a tad more merrier. Merry New Year!

(I just remembered that I made Christmas resolutions last year! I am quite happy to announce that I fulfilled every one except the first. The first shall roll over to this year then. And well, it seems that vagueness worked then, too.)

Don’t ask, but I’m not supposed to be in here writing, but somehow, I don’t really feel like doing anything much tonight. Itinerary? Bah. Reading? Bah. Thinking? Bah. Sleeping? In a bit. Started thinking about the trip and wondering how I would come back. I know it is clichéd to look at the trip this way, but it’s a little stupid to deny that I planned for this trip without having ever harboured any of those thoughts. Would I come back wiser, enlightened about matters that I can’t currently debate my way through, or will I return, (more) cynical and exasperated, and find myself in the same place, wondering about the exact same questions that sent me away in the first place? No point thinking about that now, but somehow the brain has been wired to disobey. Let’s take a leave of absence from thought.

Somehow, this makes me feel somewhat better. One of my favourites from Mayday – 候鳥.

Anyway, Japan. Hopefully, I will be posting regular updates here. Hopefully, hopefully.

Thinking, thinking. Last weekend, halfway through a rather long session of itinerary-planning, I realised that much as I love to visit every city, town, prefecture, and village in Japan, there is not a realistic chance in hell that I would be able to do that with my limited time (hello my-forgotten-return-date) and the very limited budget. And maybe, more importantly, a rushed lets-plant-flags trip would defeat the very purpose of going on a vacation. So, I’m trimming the itinerary, staring at more web pages that don’t make any sense, revisiting this entry, and wondering where on earth my good mood has gone.

Forget, regather, realise, farewell. Rain sounds like whatever it hits. The roof of a car, the wet uneven ground, pale yellow raincoats, upturned palms, and empty words.

Okay. It is 14 days. Two weeks. A fortnight. Half a month. This half-life-esque calculation is a little unnerving, seeing that nothing and nothing is completed. Nothing. Am I panicking yet? It’s a little unsettling but I kinda like this slight tinge of intense anxiety that goes “pingggggg” through me every time I think of what remains to be decided, planned etc etc etc. All in good time, part of me says; the other writes To-Buy lists in the phone and worries that she won’t find a nice toiletries bag, and counts hours, kilometres, and every single unit of measurement that can be relevant in this context (and this context, I assure you, has the tendency to expand with every thought).

The itinerary keeps threatening to balloon. I blame this. Am quite pleased that I’m reading this book before my trip and discovering new places that I might want to visit, but this also means that I need to find another book to bring along. Wondering if I should bring a thick one (heavy; I might decide to hate it), or just a couple of thinner ones (packing will not be fun; I ain’t no travelling library).

It’s October! Repeat until we are three weeks into the month.

Heh. Am writing this on the phone. Trying out typing an entry to see if my head will explode from such a small screen. I quite dislike the cursor selection tool on the phone so I’m trying not to make any typos or write anything that will have backspacing. La ti toooo. Today is Thursday again. This week is decently quick. Today I’m going to see ‘Whatever Works’. Today, it’s gonna rain in the morning and we will decide to order koi in the afternoon. This is relatively decent. I wonder how I can add images though.

Ahh I see.